War of my Life
by apawa
Summary: Post-Burt/Kurt sex talk. One of Kurt's daily diary entries depicting a day in the life. His song of the day opens up his mind. Please R&R!


Dear diary,

I always sit here contemplating if I should start my diary posts with "Dear Diary" and then I end up writing about how I contemplated it every day. Sometimes I even accidentally spell it dairy. I think I just crave warm milk. Today was so mediocre. If my dad tells me that I matter one more time, I think I'm going to slam my head onto my dresser. Ever since that "talk" he had with me, he's been saying it repeatedly. I think he believes I'm going to whore myself out to the rest of the world now because he gave me 3 pamphlets that show certain places where the penis can be inserted.. I still don't understand how into the ear is a viable option for trying to get aroused. It's not like a zombie apocalypse is going to happen tomorrow and I need to lose my virginity before I die. I probably would happily die a virgin. The thought of me sticking it in someone's ear just doesn't seem... sanitary. Or vice versa for that matter. It's not like Lima, Ohio is the place that Brokeback Mountain live would go on. Why did I even watch that movie? I guess Jake Gyllenhaal is borderline attractive. He has a small neck though and he just reminds me of a turtle. His bone structure is nice but his skin seems rough which means he hasn't been keeping to date with his moisturizing routine. He probably just needs a quick facial. This is why I idolize women Broadway stars, their skin is absolutely flawless. I was moisturizing this morning and a really scary thought came into my head: what if Grey's Anatomy gets cancelled? That show is my life. My happiness depends on it. If Cristina Yang cries, I cry. I made a reference in Warbler rehearsal today and Blaine had no clue what I was talking about. I wonder if he gets bored with me. Sometimes I can be an earful. I can't help it but think he hasn't been completely honest with me. I mean, first he tells me all this courage nonsense and then he turns out not knowing a thing he is saying. Although he may be completely oblivious to every sign I give him, he did save me from the neanderthal that is Dave Karofsky. Sometimes I try to talk to Blaine about it to make the haunting feelings go away but he tends to scoff and tell me to leave it in the past. It's not the past, it's the present and it's still eating me up inside. Though it's the last thing I'd want to do, I wish there was a way I could help Karofsky... or that someone could help him. He may act like barnyard fowl but he has the emotional capacity of a panther and one day it's going to fall down like the London Bridge. I'm scared for him just as much as I was scared for me. I don't think I mind if he stays in the closet.. at least until high school is over but I just wish he would stop treating me like I'm a used placemat. How can my dad's words mean something when all that resonates in my head is Karfosky's words calling me a 'homo' or telling me that he's going to kill me.

This seems like a dandy time for Kurt Hummel's daily pick-me-up song of the day. After frequently re-shuffling my iPod realizing that the only songs coming up were from Wicked, the Broadway adaptation of Mary Poppins or a selection off my Lady Gaga mixed CD, I came across a song that seemed to brighten up my day in the simplest way. I know it's not supposed to but I guess the sense of comfort made everything okay. A little song called War Of My Life. I've never heard this song before, I'm not really into John Mayer because his songs just seem too straight for me. I'm guessing that it was on one of Finn's mix CD's what I asked him to make me while trying to create more of a bond with him. I think the fact that John Mayer sounds like someone has pushed him against a wall and he's forced to be face-to-face with the most terrifying thing he's ever had to deal with sends a powerful message. It's kind of an inevitable thing and I know what that's like. Being me, it's kind of weird. I'm sure of who I am but it's also like I've putting a giant stamp on my forehead that reads GAY. I'm the epitome of a stereotypical gay kid. Although parts of the song makes him sound like he's dealing with petty problems for an old man reaching a ripe old age when Taylor Swift denies him her innocence, he's got an overruling message. Life sucks, you're going to go through things that make you scared, and there's going to be pain but at the end of it all, it's going to be okay. "I've got a hammer and a heart of glass, I gotta know right now which walls to smash." Incredible. It seems like smashing your heart may be a bad thing and would probably hurt quite a bit (I would know because I've smashed my hand with a hammer numerous times), but it's like opening your heart to realize what it's time to let go of. I've been thinking over and over about how much of a fool I've made of myself in the past with everyone. With Finn, with Sam, with Mr. Schue, even with Blaine, but what does that do for me in the end? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Everyone reaches this point that is a war of their life where they see everything crumbling like an Oreo soaked in milk, but it takes strength to let go of the fact that it's falling apart and just engulf that thing and make the best of what's left of it. Lucky for me, I like Oreos.

It's time to open up my heart a bit, maybe smash some glass walls.

Hesitation is for weenies!

Thanks for always listening,

Kurt Elizabeth Hummel

PS - My favorite green pen ran out of ink today, I need to make a quick Walgreens run before meeting Blaine at The Lima Bean. He said had something to give me, I wonder what it could be. Hopefully it's not another bird!


End file.
